Ever wake up and wonder what happened to your life? Why you act a certain way? Is it upbringing? Is it some effect of your childhood? Are children more at risk to grow up screwed up if their childhood was a certain way as opposed to another? Are we all at risk?

I rediscovered many old video tapes of a much younger me. Like, highschool me. You know, when video cameras were brand new and cost upwards of $900. Before computers (well, okay, not before Commodore 64 and such). I just acted so goofy. And I did so many silly things. Is that just how we act at that age? What traits make us what we will become in the future? I'm looking at a tape that is almost over 14 years old. Of me and my first serious girlfriend. She seemed to be okay with me acting like a total doofus. I'm a kid that never really grew up. Oh, I have the capacity to handle grown up responsibilities and such, but I guess I'm still the doofus in a 32-year-old's body.

I do so many things for other people. I filmed the reaction of my girlfriend when she got her first car (that she later totalled). Her parents sought me out for advice. No one ever films me doing things, or rarely takes pictures of me as much as I try to document every moment of other peoples' lives. I used to think that it was just other people that weren't as considerate or thoughtful. Anymore it's not that I wonder if there's something wrong with me, I just wonder what it is that is wrong with me, or what experiences in my life have transpired to shape me into what I am today.

I dunno. I guess I'm just depressed. Maybe I just miss being young. Maybe I wish I could do everything over again, make different choices. Not acted so much like a complete doofus.